bear-ing it since 72
bear-ing it since 72
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Turning 40
I recently turned 40 and thought to myself what have i learnt. I have become to learn that the saying you can count your true friends on one hand is true. I have come to learn that these friends will take from you the very bit of your soul that matters and break your heart as quickly as you give it. Maybe its the circles i move around in but over 2011, which was a tough and dark year for me i have found that hardly no one i knew bothered to see how i was. I came to realise that maybe its better to move through life's wildnerss alone and fight the bad karma with your own spirit.
I have learnt that family is more important than the freindships we make and the way we are able to easily forgive our friends for their mistakes we should apply to our mum, dad, brothers and sisters. The friends in my life just added to my soul been lost and taken away by their selfishness.
I have learnt that if a friend has no time for you, no matter how many times you ask for their time, then they are not a friend. They are just someone who will take your energy, your very essence to combat their own fears, self doubt and lost lives. Leaving you with a false sense of security and confusion. I have given up on alot of friends, who are now just people. Its sad to say and hard to do but what matters in life is the realtionships we forge, the life we live, the family we have and the dreams we chase. Because the realtionships we forge should be on equal terms and be a benefit to each other.Time does not exist in that kind of realtionship because if we want too we will always find the time. If we dont want too then time exists and becomes just an excuse.
I have given up on looking for someone to love me because the pain of been alone is more bearable than the pain of been with someone. Making someone you love cry and sad is to much to bear. I have to many scars and lost too much. I truely have become and always have been a solitary animal. I do enjoy the company of others but i enjoy time on my own more and i prefer it. I do miss the social gatherings with others but those ways of socialising have come to an end. The old ways of going out and giggling are not for me any more but to be honset with myself they were never for me to begin with.
My phone is slient nowadays but i realised that the only reason why its slient is because it always has been. Without my effort to see how others are no one will see how i am. I think to myself, well you should make the effort but when i was in pain and house bound for 8 months only two or maybe three people called to see how i was. Been alone with just my mind screaming at me, bombarding me with negative thoughts and my body crying with intense pain was like walking through hells fire. Even thou i felt pain with every breath, every step and could not sleep for days. I didnt buckle, i stayed strong. At times i wanted to cry and thought id never walk again. At times i thought id never stand or sit and the most heartbreaking thought for me was thinking i would never be able to lift again. I would sit in pain and high on a cocktail of painkillers, with the door open, with the 3am night breeze cooling down my overdosed body, i would look across the garden to my garage where i would do all my lifting and my heart would break because i thought i would never realise the true beauty of my bodies strength. And that i would never feel again the cold olympic bar in my hands or my muscles fighting to push the heavy load. My heart would break knowing that a cup of water felt so heavy in my hands that it would drain what little strength i had. I never thought that i would ever feel again two hundred kilos on my back or let alone lifting my body with an added fifty kilos. It still makes me feel sad today, im still not one hundred percent better but im getting there.
But all this time i felt betrayed by friends and wondered why life in 2011 was testing me. Why was i made to suffer this pain the devil had sent me. What had i of done to deserve this. Was karma beating me up for something. Was life telling me to change my ways. Did life want me to stop and see that i was in the wrong place, with the wrong people, doing the wrong thing and living the wrong life. I think it was and because i was not listening it brought me to an abrupt stop. I sometimes think this abrupt stop is like a car travelling one hundred miles an hour and then hitting a tree to stop. Thats how it felt to me. Life made me come smashing down to earth from a great height and the impact was devastating. I felt broken mentally, physically and emotionally. But something deep down inside me would not let me give up. It would not let me break fully into two.
2011 was tough, it was a bad year, the emotional and physical pain was immense. but it didnt break me, i walked through hell with gritted teeth and im nearly out. Life has been hard not as hard for some people but i have had my far share of downs but i have learnt in my 40 years on this planet is that i have a fighting spirit that truely is unbreakable!
I have learnt that family is more important than the freindships we make and the way we are able to easily forgive our friends for their mistakes we should apply to our mum, dad, brothers and sisters. The friends in my life just added to my soul been lost and taken away by their selfishness.
I have learnt that if a friend has no time for you, no matter how many times you ask for their time, then they are not a friend. They are just someone who will take your energy, your very essence to combat their own fears, self doubt and lost lives. Leaving you with a false sense of security and confusion. I have given up on alot of friends, who are now just people. Its sad to say and hard to do but what matters in life is the realtionships we forge, the life we live, the family we have and the dreams we chase. Because the realtionships we forge should be on equal terms and be a benefit to each other.Time does not exist in that kind of realtionship because if we want too we will always find the time. If we dont want too then time exists and becomes just an excuse.
I have given up on looking for someone to love me because the pain of been alone is more bearable than the pain of been with someone. Making someone you love cry and sad is to much to bear. I have to many scars and lost too much. I truely have become and always have been a solitary animal. I do enjoy the company of others but i enjoy time on my own more and i prefer it. I do miss the social gatherings with others but those ways of socialising have come to an end. The old ways of going out and giggling are not for me any more but to be honset with myself they were never for me to begin with.
My phone is slient nowadays but i realised that the only reason why its slient is because it always has been. Without my effort to see how others are no one will see how i am. I think to myself, well you should make the effort but when i was in pain and house bound for 8 months only two or maybe three people called to see how i was. Been alone with just my mind screaming at me, bombarding me with negative thoughts and my body crying with intense pain was like walking through hells fire. Even thou i felt pain with every breath, every step and could not sleep for days. I didnt buckle, i stayed strong. At times i wanted to cry and thought id never walk again. At times i thought id never stand or sit and the most heartbreaking thought for me was thinking i would never be able to lift again. I would sit in pain and high on a cocktail of painkillers, with the door open, with the 3am night breeze cooling down my overdosed body, i would look across the garden to my garage where i would do all my lifting and my heart would break because i thought i would never realise the true beauty of my bodies strength. And that i would never feel again the cold olympic bar in my hands or my muscles fighting to push the heavy load. My heart would break knowing that a cup of water felt so heavy in my hands that it would drain what little strength i had. I never thought that i would ever feel again two hundred kilos on my back or let alone lifting my body with an added fifty kilos. It still makes me feel sad today, im still not one hundred percent better but im getting there.
But all this time i felt betrayed by friends and wondered why life in 2011 was testing me. Why was i made to suffer this pain the devil had sent me. What had i of done to deserve this. Was karma beating me up for something. Was life telling me to change my ways. Did life want me to stop and see that i was in the wrong place, with the wrong people, doing the wrong thing and living the wrong life. I think it was and because i was not listening it brought me to an abrupt stop. I sometimes think this abrupt stop is like a car travelling one hundred miles an hour and then hitting a tree to stop. Thats how it felt to me. Life made me come smashing down to earth from a great height and the impact was devastating. I felt broken mentally, physically and emotionally. But something deep down inside me would not let me give up. It would not let me break fully into two.
2011 was tough, it was a bad year, the emotional and physical pain was immense. but it didnt break me, i walked through hell with gritted teeth and im nearly out. Life has been hard not as hard for some people but i have had my far share of downs but i have learnt in my 40 years on this planet is that i have a fighting spirit that truely is unbreakable!
Friday, 20 January 2012
Monday, 16 January 2012
Lego mosaic..
I made this mosaic up from a picture of the joker. What you will need is a -
48x48 lego base plate and 2304 1x1(3024) bricks or plates....just choose any three colours, dont forget to count the squares for the total bricks needed per colour....and your done!!
48x48 lego base plate and 2304 1x1(3024) bricks or plates....just choose any three colours, dont forget to count the squares for the total bricks needed per colour....and your done!!
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Got de-railed but back on track....
Right so its the 2nd of Jan and today i was ment to go to the job centre in town today but the weather was crap...So i decided to give it a miss. After telling myself all over christmas that today was the day i was going to get out of the house and walk into town, look for work and walk back, maybe even go into town itself and do a few things, get myself back on my feet after a painfull and tough 2011...but meh....damn the weather!
However my injury was playing up alittle bit today so was feeling abit of pain and ive been feeling alittle light headed, could be a virus trying to break out....anyways i went out to the cancel some appointments so i got out of the house and walked around abit. And now im searching for jobs online....but the never ending filling in the same information in the appilcation forms is a boooooooooring task. Even cut and paste gets annoyingly boring...I sometimes wish i hadnt left my old job and just took the crap of been over looked for promotion etc etc but thats not me i guess...give then back what they give you...hehehehehehe....
Mind you i did notice that the girls in the dentist were eyein me up, noticed that alot lately but i was looking huge and well groomed and i have been told i look like someone not to mess with so maybe they thought i was going to rob the place or something.....
well i have done 5 applications so far and another 5 to go as 10 a day is the goal....nothing to it but back to it...just deleted all the appilcations so start again....purrrfffttttt...
However my injury was playing up alittle bit today so was feeling abit of pain and ive been feeling alittle light headed, could be a virus trying to break out....anyways i went out to the cancel some appointments so i got out of the house and walked around abit. And now im searching for jobs online....but the never ending filling in the same information in the appilcation forms is a boooooooooring task. Even cut and paste gets annoyingly boring...I sometimes wish i hadnt left my old job and just took the crap of been over looked for promotion etc etc but thats not me i guess...give then back what they give you...hehehehehehe....
Mind you i did notice that the girls in the dentist were eyein me up, noticed that alot lately but i was looking huge and well groomed and i have been told i look like someone not to mess with so maybe they thought i was going to rob the place or something.....
well i have done 5 applications so far and another 5 to go as 10 a day is the goal....nothing to it but back to it...just deleted all the appilcations so start again....purrrfffttttt...
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Scooby Doooooo
I finally figured out that the reason why the gang always told you the clues at the end, was because your ment to solve the mystery with them....tut tut tut all them wasted years spent staring and mentally undressing Daphne! But thinking....really only one outfit....posh tramp! And wondering if Fred was secertly suppressing his gaydar, i mean, why did you always take Daphine with you.....thats right because you couldnt trust yourself with Shaggy...could you Fred...its ok....we all know!!! I bet Shaggy and Scooby spent their nights in the Mystery Machine skinning up and blazing the herb and the special scooby snacks while giggling...about their ghostly encounters, they have always got the munchies and were totally paranoid about people in Halloween costumes!!! And Velma Velma Velma put the mircoscope down and slap abit of lippy on, tart yourself up, put your contacts in and go out and tramp yourself up and go get some, otherwise your going to end been a frigid spinster. And Scrappy.....stop speedballing dawg...... its not big to mix morphine and cocaine together in the same syringe, while speeding off your dog collar....look at what Scooby-Dum did to himself...frazzled his brain!!!!
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